My Rules For Flying

• Pack all make-up and hair products in your suitcase.  No one cares what you look like on the plane.  As long as you smell relatively clean and are not a walking SARS poster child, NO ONE CARES if your eyeliner is a little smudged.   Plus it prevents me from getting stuck behind you while you wail and beg the security guard to let you keep the $40 can of hairspray that you just couldn’t bear to pack in your luggage. 
• Bring an EMPTY water bottle.  They won’t let you bring water from outside the airport, but there is no rule on empty bottles.  I just bring whatever one is in my car and fill it up at the FREE water fountains.  Suck it, $10 bottle of water on the plane.
• Bring lots of snacks.  That’s allowed, because apparently the terrorists have not yet developed the technology to put explosives in granola bars or foot-long Subway sandwiches, but LORD HELP YOU if you forget about the 4oz contact lenses solution in your purse.  Besides, everyone else bring their own snacks, so there are always trade options.  It’s like an airborne prison where snacks are the currency of choice:  “You got fruit snacks?  I’ll give you a pack of Oreo Cakesters, plus protection from Timmy the Bull up in row 14.  He rules the forward cabin with an iron fist.  Don’t forget to put your tray table in the upright and locked position for landing.”
• Wear socks.  I don’t care if you are wearing flip flops—BRING socks to put on for the inevitable March of the Foot Fungus through the metal detectors.  Think about how many people have barefooted it across that threshold.  Think about how many of them actually SHOWERED today.  Bring socks.
• For the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, do not find the absolute largest carry on legally allowed and haul it on board.  First, that makes everyone else hate you.  Second, you end up taking up more than your fair share of overhead bin space.  Third, you are a douche.  Fourth, suck it up and pay the $25 bag fee if you are going away long enough to necessitate a lot of stuff.  Fifth, seriously, I hate you.
• Lastly, give yourself plenty of time to get through security.  There is nothing worse than sprinting from one end of LAX to the other in brand new sandals.  I lost a lot of good skin cells that day.  So get there early, and bring a book just in case you get through quickly and have a lot of time to waste.  On my Vegas trip, I violated both parts of this rule.  I got there a little late and had to hustle to my gate.  Of course, the plane was then delayed for 6 hours.  So I got to spend about $40 for a new books and some magazines to keep myself from becoming a security threat.

Internet Trumps Nature Everytime

So it’s really not a huge secret that K and I both want kids.  Like right now.  So we’re doing what you need to do to have a baby.  [Sidebar: A few friends apparently think we are already pregnant and just hiding it—we aren’t].  As we’ve been doing this for a few months, I’ve noticed that each month the process is really divided into two phases: Booze and No Booze. 

Phase One: Booze

The first part of the month is getting ready for the apparently ONE day I can actually get knocked up.  Seriously, those high school girls on 16 and Pregnant make it look so easy.  But NO.  There are charts and graphs and monitoring that needs to be done to determine the right day for IT.  So I take my temperature every morning, track other symptoms, and generally just wish the weeks would fly by till our next Green Light. 

Let me back up.  Being the OCD Superfreak that I am, I am using a website to track my, um, data.  It’s called fertilityfriend.com, and it purports to help women know the best time to get pregnant.  I think it is just to let control freaks like myself have something to fret about ALL MONTH LONG.  Along with cutting edge science-y things, there is a little stoplight on the page that tells you when to hold em and when to GO.

NO BABY FOR YOU!

It’s like the little stop light at the beginning of Mario Kart.  You just check every day to see when the light turns GREEN OMG GREEN GO GO GO!  K says we should just let Nature take its course.  I say that I am perfectly fine letting Nature take its course, as long as Nature is following my map and please don’t take that ‘shortcut’ you heard about and, oh hell, just let me drive.

This phase is also peppered with my indulging in things like wine a sushi, which I can’t have once we actually starting cooking a kid.  Why do I keep saying “we” like K is gonna be a huge help in the pregnancy department.  It’s “I.”  Once I am pregs, K will be reduced to the role of go-fer when I really need Taco Bell at 3 AM.  I’ve tried to get him to practice this skill, but so far he has not been very helpful.  Apparently he is totally willing to get his pregnant wife food at any time, but the non-pregnant wife can’t even get a milkshake on a Sunday afternoon. 

The second phase (No Booze) is me freaking out every day that I might be pregnant and using aforementioned website to enter ever single ‘symptom’ that I think I am having and seeing how many points those symptoms earn me.  Like once I reach a certain number, I WIN and the prize is a baby.  There are approximately 25 different symptoms listed, and I can convince myself of almost all of them on any given day.  Although K says that I cannot count irritability because I am always irritable.  Then I punch him in the face and click YES.

This is where babies come from

At least it gives me a hobby and keeps me off the streets and out of gangs.

The Plight of the Delta

So it just occurred to me that I neglected to share the story of why there is a special circle in hell for Delta Airlines.  So I’ll do that now.  Because I was violated in their friendly skies.

SO.  Tal’s Vegas Bachelorette Party began for me at 7:00 AM at O’Hare Airport in Chicago.  I have flown in and out of here many times, and never had an issue.  SO.  I get through security pretty easily, following my cardinal rule of not taking anything even REMOTELY suspicious in my carry on, since for some reason security LOVES to detain me for the special wand-love and pat-down session.  I am through security by 7:20 for my 9:00 flight.  No problem, I have a trashy magazine, plus the airport has CINNABON, which is God’s gift to travelers.  As I am walking calmly towards my cinnamon destination—definitely not flat out sprinting—I notice the departure board lists my flight as delayed till 10 AM.  No prob.  Cinnabon, Starbucks, OK! Magazine and I will be just fine for a few hours.  By the time I get my breakfast on, the board has changed till 11 AM.  Yikes.  By the time I have finished reading every word of the magazine, including the whole page of editorial staff names, my flight is delayed till Noon.  ARE YOU EFFING ME.  I have to make a connecting flight in Minneapolis at 2:15.  So I get in the growing line of disgruntled passengers to figure out what I am going to do. 

Now it is just past 11:30, and I get to the counter.  The only competent employee of Delta tells me that not only is my flight now delayed till 12:30 PM, but that I will likely miss my connection in MLPS.  I turn on the waterworks, MAYBE tell a TEENSY lie about my reasons for going to Vegas (My baby sister is getting married in Vegas tonight), and the next thing I know I am ticketed on a flight leaving O’Hare at 1:45 PM non-stop to Vegas.  So 6 hours and 45 minutes after arriving at the airport, I am on a flight to VEGAS.  On a different airline, mind you.  The Delta lady was helpful enough to find me a seat on my beloved American Airlines.  They’ve never done me wrong. 

Then VEGAS happens.  I’ve already covered that one.

Going home, I am on another Delta flight.  This time the flight is not delayed, and I get to MLPS with my sister just before 5 PM for my 6 PM connection.  I get off the plane, check my gate, and EFFING MOTHER BARF DELTA DELAYS ME TILL 7.  I hate Delta at this point.  But it gets worse.

So Will (Tal’s Fiancé) picks both of us up, takes us to get some dinner, the drops me back at the airport.  I get to my new gate ready for my 7 PM flight.  Guess what time we actually get on the plane.  Go ahead, guess.  8:10. I want to burn Delta to the ground.

I spent a collective 8 hours in the airport for a weekend trip to Vegas, flying through some of the biggest airports in the country, not Podunk towns where delays and confusion is to be expected.  Oh, and then I got home and found that my luggage had been rifled through and my camera stolen.  It was wrapped and buried inside a bag inside my suitcase.  So congrats to the baggage handlers who really did a great job of digging through my stuff.  You earned my camera with all the pictures of my honeymoon and my sister’s bachelorette party.

Moral of the Story: Delta stole 8 hours of my life and my digital camera.  Fly American Airlines.

How I Write......

I don’t edit, I don’t fix, I don’t re-write.  When I write, it just type as it comes to me.  My posts may jump around from time to time, but that’s because I jump around from time to time.  Anyone who has ever had a conversation with me knows that I go here, there, then back around.  I do not think or write perfectly linear.  This is my voice, and this is how I choose to use it!  So what you read here is just that—word vomit that has not been cleaned, planned, or prettied up in any way.  It may not always make sense, but hey, haaaaaaaave you MET me?  My goal is to tell my stories, maybe make you laugh, and not censor or edit myself.  And that is just what I plan on doing!  

Why is Republican such a dirty word?

I have a confession to make.  I remember the first time I voted: The 2004 Presidential Elections.  I did not vote at my first opportunity, the 2000 Elections, because I was still an apathetic teen who didn’t think it mattered.  In 2004, though, I took to the polls.  And based on what I knew at the time, I voted for George W. Bush.

Now, most people would automatically assume that I am a Democrat because of my job (non-profit/social services), my attitudes (I support Gay Marriage Rights and the Right to Choose), and my support for democratic candidates in the past.  I still think that I am an Independent--I vote on the issues and candidates, not the party lines--but according to the State of Illinois, I am Republican.  I favor more liberal social policies, but still believe in fiscal conservatism and small government.  Some would argue that you cannot be both, but I that is why there is such a phrase as “Moderate.”  Since marrying a very conservative Republican, I will admit that my views have started to lean a little more to the right, but I think I am just more confident now in my long-held views because I have become more educated on the issues, and have a better grasp of politics and policies now.  I still refuse to wear a label, though; I do not want to be pinned into a corner or have others judge me because of an “R” or a “D” on my voter registration card.  Which I am sure some people who read this blog are doing right now.  OMG, she is a nasty REPUBLICAN now……….

Elections seem to bring out the worst in people.  I’ve seen several Facebook comments today that say things like “**** Republicans” or “Democrats are stupid and wrong” or other combinations like that.  I dislike these attitudes, because those who make them are assuming that they are absolutely 100% correct on how to fix the country.  And I don’t believe it is as simple as that.  I don’t think one party or the other has the right versions of “Fixing America for Dummies.” 

What I believe is this:  I believe that that some government programs for the poor and indigent are good, but that welfare has created an over-dependency on government programs.  I believe that if everyone who could afford to donate to a social service agency or cause would, then many programs would not have to rely on government funding that is contingent on the whims of the current power-party.  I believe we are taxed enough, and that somewhere along the way the government lost control of itself and lost the ability to be financially responsible stewards of our money.  I believe spending is absolutely out of control, and that all of Congress needs to take a Budgeting 101 course.  I have some reservations about pension systems, because I think they have been improperly managed and their debt is only going to cause worse problems in the future--and a tax increase is not going to suddenly fix the education problem. And I am not 100% sure on the health care issue; from what I have heard, it makes me uneasy and seems like another program that is going to be costing future generations even MORE in taxes.

I also believe that anyone has the right to marriage—no matter what, end of story.  I mean, just think of all the extra fees the government could collect from the marriage license applications!  I also believe in a woman’s right to choose.  I do not personally support abortion, except in cases of rape, incest, or threat to the mother’s life, but I believe in the right to that choice.  I also believe that there are a lot of parents out there, my parents-in-law included, who are waiting to adopt any child whose mother cannot take care of them.  And I believe that illegal immigration is a huge problem, but that there is a way to secure our borders without vilifying and attacking those trying to make a better life for themselves. 

So there you have it.  I rarely agree with one candidate on all their issue positions, but I work hard to find candidates whose views most closely resemble my own.  It’s the best I can do.  And I vote because it is the only chance I have to make my views count.  They may not be the same as my friends and neighbors, but they are my views.  They may not even be right or fully informed, but they are my views.  I think that everyone has a right to their own voices.  I am also a little afraid to post this, because political clashes in this country are at an all time high, and I do not want to start a commenting war where people go back and forth, accusing this side of that and that side of this.  I do not want to invite the ugly side of politics into my blog.  You won’t likely see overtly political statements from me again—although I do have some topics in mind on politics in general—but to commemorate today, I thought I’d lay these things out there.  So go ahead and label me "Republican", if it makes you feel better.  I know where I stand, and that's better than not knowing where to sit.  I don’t know everything, and I do not have all the answers, but this is how I feel, and that is why I vote.