Thankfulness

This morning was a bad morning.  I was just consumed with sadness and tears.  That’s the hard part of recovering from something like this—some days you think you are really through it and doing fine, then all of a sudden that sadness just washes over you.  Most of the time I am doing good, but every now and then I just get that feeling where all I want is to just be pregnant again and just be progressing along like I was supposed to.  And those are the moments that are the hardest.

So this morning was one of those times.  I just about let myself go completely over into the sadness.  Then I decided that I wanted to try and make a list of all the things we have to be thankful about, both during this ordeal and for life in general.  I am so lucky for all the blessing that God HAS given me, and this list reminds me to be joyful for what I DO have, and not to focus on what I lost.

1. My husband, who never left my side and took care of everything while I was going through the surgery and recovery.  He even came home before I did and took all the books, clothes, and other things we had started to buy and put them in a box and put the box away.  He has been the rock through all this.  I know he is suffering and hurting too, but he has never put any of his worries on me.  He just takes all my pain and sadness on himself and lets me be free.
2. My family.  My dad drove out just to help both Kurt and I with my recovery, making dinner and cleaning the house.  My mom made tons of meals to send with him, so we have stuff to make this week when I don’t feel like cooking.  They both also gave me the comfort and support throughout the whole ordeal.  My sister was ready to jump in the car and drive 6 hours to just visit me.  She would call just to chat about other things, to help get my mind off everything else. 
3. Kurt’s family:  My sister-in-law came to the hospital to sit with Kurt when I got out of surgery and was groggy.  She helped Kurt help me in the beginning when I could not walk or go to the bathroom by myself.  She ran errands with him, and brought me fun treats to help get through the recovery.  I also got some lovely lilies that are still blooming a week later!  She was great throughout this whole thing, not just helping me but helping Kurt as well.  My father-in-law was great as well, coming over to visit and have dinner when my dad came into town, and calling just to make sure I was doing okay. 
4. My friends—Kurt and I are blessed with a great network of friends who came to visit, brought treats, and just sat with me for awhile.  It was hard to get out of the house in the first week, so we were lucky to have people willing to come over and just hang out.   I was also very touched by many friends of mine who opened up about similar experiences with losing a pregnancy.  Knowing their stories, and seeing how strong they were and how everything worked out for them in the end has been a great help in allowing myself to think about the future and to lift some of the fears I face about trying again.
5. We are also both blessed to have very caring co-workers.  Kurt’s job gave him a place to go and talk to people about his own feelings.  After having so many people just asking about me, it was comforting to me to know that he had a place where people were concerned about him and how he was doing.  Plus they were very understanding with his time off so that he could be home with me.  My job was also very caring—I was told multiple times not to worry about work, and that I did not need to feel bad about being gone.  They’ve also been great about letting me take half days this first week back, to kind of help me ease back into the routines of work.  We are also lucky to have the sick leave available so that we are not losing a paycheck to this ordeal.
6. My health—the doctor believes that I will have no problems trying again and having a successful pregnancy in the future.  I just need to overcome the fear of a second miscarriage to be ready to try again.  This could have easily lead to other serious problems, but I am healthy and young and should not suffer any lasting physical effects from this.  Other than a bitchin scar on my abdomen.  That last thought has also makes me thankful for my mental health as well.  Although this has been difficult, I am lucky to have escaped a deep depression or other emotional trauma.  I still want to laugh and be funny and just enjoy my life going forward, even with bouts of sadness.  These too shall pass.
7. I am thankful that I was even able to get pregnant.  At least know we know that I can.  I know a lot of people try for years without success, and I was able to get pregnant after just 2 months of really trying.  I know that this event may change things a little, but I am reassured in knowing that I was able to get pregnant in the first place, taking that weight off my shoulders.
8. Finally, I am thankful that throughout all this, from the words of friends and family, I have not lost my faith in God.  It was hard at the beginning not to blame Him and be angry for what I was going through.  But what I found was that I really do believe that His plan for my life is perfect, and that whatever happens is part of the plan.  I believe that when He means for it to happen, we will get pregnant and have a baby.  It was hard to get to this point, but what I found was that I did not have to work at it.  I recall having peace during the hospital ordeal, like I knew that I was being looked after even though emotionally and physically I was in turmoil.  It is a hard feeling to explain.  

This is by no means an exhaustive list of what I have to be thankful for, but these are the most important ones that came to mind this morning.  I appreciate everyone who reads this blog and send thoughts/prayers my way.  They are much needed, and I believe they are working to help me recover.

Anatomy of a Fight

This being an educational blog and all, I thought I’d give you a lesson on the Anatomy of a Fight.  This is a glimpse into the world of a newly married couple, one of whom is an OCD Control Freak who cannot compromise or admit fault and the other who is a generally calm person who rationally sees the situation.  I don’t think I need to put labels on who is who.

Anatomy of a Fight:

Me—Notice something slightly out of place, like a belt on the couch or a dish in the bedroom.  Sarcastically mention this to K.

K—Apologizes and goes to rectify gets the offending item.

Me—Refuse to let K do it, insist that I will do it since I do EVERYTHING.  (Usually, a dramatic eye roll is inserted here for effect).

K—Tries to diffuse the situation with a variety of tactics.

Me—Realize that I am probably wrong, but commence to freak out to K about why I always have to do everything.  This can also include bringing up pointless evidence from past offenses.  Clearly, grasping at straws to win the argument, 

K—Rationally lists all the things he DOES do around the house, rendering my argument null and void.

Me—Inwardly realize that I am totally wrong, outwardly burst into the flames of a complete meltdown.

K—Cuddles me and apologizes for being a jerk that never cleans up and never does anything.

Me—Accepts his apology, but still pouts for the next 3 hours.

So even though I am basically wrong in about 90% of the fights, I have yet to lose.  This is because K loves me and knows that me losing = firebolts of death.  So he throws himself under the bus.  That, my friends, is love.  In my defense, I have gotten better about not instigating the fights, and have been known to apologize once or twice.  It’s called PROGRESS.