Put the Egg in the Coconut, Knock Elissa Up

We’re officially TTC again. I plan to be as open and honest as I can during this process. Partly because there is healing in writing and sharing—my friends have become great supporters throughout all of this, and some have even taken comfort in my experience as they struggle through trials as well—but mostly because it totally grosses my sister out to have me sharing this sort of thing “on the facebook,” as she said.

There are a lot of emotions surging through me right now. Is it possible to be completed excited and completely terrified at the same time? I think my head is going to explode. Or implode. Some kind of   –ploding is about turn my head into a ball of mush. On the positive side, we are trying again. We are so excited to become parents that we cannot wait to try again. I think what happened last time was that Kurt’s Polish boys got confused and went the wrong direction once they met up with my egglet.  This time, I will make sure that my German genes do what they are best at and oppress the Polish genes and march them into the warm, safe babycradle that is my uterus. What, too soon?

On the negative side is the terror, the raw terror, that something will happen again. I’ve only got one tube left. If I lose that one, our only option will be turning to expensive, invasive IVF. And if the egglet makes it to the basket, that still does not guarantee that something won’t go wrong again. I AM SO SCARED OF LOSING ANOTHER PREGNANCY. There, I said it. Just last night I had my version of a ‘Nam flashback, but my personal hell involved an emergency room and the worst ultrasound tech ever, who left me alone in a room for over 15 minutes without telling me what I already knew, thus forcing me to spend the first 15 minutes mourning my pregnancy completely and totally alone. Not cool, lady. 

In the end, the benefits outweigh the risks. I have two options: try again or never give birth. That’s it. I can either take a deep breath and give it another shot, or I can give up now and never know the joy of carrying and delivering my children. In the end, I cannot NOT have a baby. I cannot let one tragedy scare me off of every trying again. I have to believe that it will turn out okay this time. Despite the deep, dark feelings that try to convince me that I will never be successful at this, that I will only cause myself more heartbreak, I know that I can only forge ahead, and give this another shot.

What can I say, I’m a sucker for misfortune and pain.

New Year, New E

New Year’s Resolutions.  I make them just like everyone else.  And I could not tell you what my resolution was last year, or the year before, or the year before.  That’s how much effort I put into achieving my goals.  So this year, I am not calling them resolutions.  I am calling them goals.  Life goals.  2011 goals.  Whatever.  They are ways that I want to change my life for the better in 2011.

One.  BE HEALTHY.  That could mean eating better.  That could mean losing weight.  That definitely means moving my butt more.  I just want to be healthy.  To feel good most of the time.  I want to have a better mental state, and that comes from having a healthy body.  I am starting with losing the weight I gained in November and December.  When I found out I was pregnant, I kind of let myself have what I wanted.  I put the scale away.  I gained 4 pounds.  Yea for pregnancy excuses.  Then I lost the baby.  Unlike a miscarriage, the ectopic required surgery.  I literally could not move for a week.  The second week was very limited as well.  I was eating, but sleeping and sitting most of the day.  Then Christmas and New Year’s happened.  So I gained another 5 pounds.  That’s not okay.  I want to get this weight off before we try for another baby.  And even once I get pregnant again, I will not let myself “have at it” with food.  I will be controlled, I will be smart, and I will do everything it takes to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

Two.  I will watch less TV and read more books.  We watch way, way, WAY too much TV.  On weekends, there is nothing on yet we sit there for hours on end watching it.  TV off.  I will limit our Netflix to two per week.  We don’t need to sit around watching movies all weekend either.  I have over 120 books on my goodreads list to get through.  Maybe I can only watch TV if I am on the elliptical.

Three.  Make a baby.  That seems pretty obvious.

Four.  Find a method for stress relief.  My job gets the better of me most weeks.  It’s stressful and it’s hard work.  I have a 7-month-and-counting muscle spasm in my neck to show for it.  I need to find an outlet.  I guess that links back to being healthy.  Yoga classes are expensive.  If I have a home DVD, I won’t do it. 

Five.  Disconnect.  Dude.  Seriously.  Like I need to know what is going on on Facebook every 10 minutes.  I need to learn to let it go.  Both Kurt and I are way too plugged in.  Our phones are out and on all the time.  He even plays games on his phone WHILE watching TV.  Good lord.  There will be “Technology-Free” nights at our house.  I promise that.  Although this seems to contradict my next resolution, which is....

...Six.  Better blogging.  Maybe not necessarily MORE blogging, although my goal is to write at least once a week.  I also want to write better blogs.  Be more honest and tell better stories.  Especially as Kurt and I start to try for a baby again.  I want to be as open as possible about the process, setbacks, and emotions that come along with trying again after a loss.  Mostly though, I just want to entertain my readers better and give them a reason to come back.  And follow me.  Cause 4 is an awesome number of followers, but I'd like to try to increase my readership by writing more blogs that others want to read and share.

Six.  Take a class for fun.  Maybe photography, maybe a cooking or pastry class, maybe creative writing.  Our community college has some pretty good offerings, and I need to find a good hobby to really develop.  Otherwise I’ll just keep skipping from thing to thing. That's a good theme for 2011: FOCUS.  

For now, I am going to go FOCUS on the elliptical for a while.  Three weeks into January, and I haven't broken that one yet.  AWESOME JOB ME.

Disclaimer: This post is dark. And was written about 4 weeks ago.

So the story I am about to share was actually written about 4 weeks ago.  I had just ventured out into the world for my first "Post-Loss" shopping.  It did not go well.  Things got ugly.  My emotional, depressed brain went to some dark places.  I've thought about not posting this, because I don't want people to think I am about to go snatching babies from people.  I'm not.  It is very hard to explain the feelings that come with losing a pregnancy.  I guess you have to experience it to really, truly get it.  
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So far, the worst side-effect of this experience has been the “Why Me?” Syndrome.  Most of the time, when I start to wallow in the grief and sadness, I use my Thankfulness list and pull myself together by asking “Well, Why NOT Me?” and trying to focus on the fact that it could happen to me just as much as it could happen to anyone else.  This brings us to the ugly, dark side of my journey.

Sometimes these mental tricks just don’t work.  Sometimes I just want to SCREAM “WHY ME?” and collapse into a fit of tears and anger.  The worst case of the Why Me Syndrome came during a trip to the mall.  There were just so many pregnant women and babies out that day.  Every time I saw one, the barometer inside my head crept up a little more until we had to leave the mall because I was sobbing “Why me and not her, or her, or her.”  I was willing to trade someone else's baby to get mine back.  Now, after the fact when rational thoughts took back control, I know that I don’t know what these random women had been through to have their children.  I know that.  But when you are faced with it, in the heat of the moment, all you know is that SHE has a baby on the way and you don’t.  And it’s hard.  I am a good person--I help others, I taking care of people, and I don't lie, cheat, or steal.  So why did I deserve to go through this and not some one else?  Jealousy, resentment, dislike for these women that I do not even know.  It’s hard to control.  Work is difficult as well.  I manage a program that sends books to kids under five.  I enter registrations every day where one woman has three kids within as many years (and usually with different last names, but that's a whole other issue).  Why does she get three and I lost my one?  These thoughts are one of the lasting effects of pregnancy loss.  I do not think any woman who has gone through a loss could truthfully say that they never looked at other pregnant woman and thought “Why me and not them?”  It’s an ugly thought, but it’s the truth.

99% of the time, I can control this ugliness by remembering that I don’t know their story, I don’t know their past, and that they too may have suffered losses (although then I think they’d understand my attitude, right?  Maybe not).  I think the reality of the situation is that this is one of the biggest hurdles that someone who suffered a loss must overcome.  For me, overcoming the physical pain was easy; overcoming the grief over the loss is getting easier.  But to overcome the “Why Me” Syndrome will, I think, be a battle that I continue to fight.  Maybe a successful pregnancy will cure it; maybe just time itself will heal it.  Who knows. 

It’s taken me a while to be able to even write about this, because I hate myself for feeling this way. ***********

So there you go.  For one day at Woodfield Mall, I hated every pregnant woman in sight.  It was terrible.  I was so judging and spiteful.  As I said, this post took a while for me to be ready to post it.  It's here mostly because I've finally turned that corner where, although I still get sad sometime, I am no longer mad at the world.  And I am again thankful for all my friends and relatives who continue to share their own stories of loss with me.  No words can really take away my pain, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this.

Next time I promise a post about new books I am reading, why I love Nutella, and why I secretly love the new TV my husband bought.