My Rules For Flying

• Pack all make-up and hair products in your suitcase.  No one cares what you look like on the plane.  As long as you smell relatively clean and are not a walking SARS poster child, NO ONE CARES if your eyeliner is a little smudged.   Plus it prevents me from getting stuck behind you while you wail and beg the security guard to let you keep the $40 can of hairspray that you just couldn’t bear to pack in your luggage. 
• Bring an EMPTY water bottle.  They won’t let you bring water from outside the airport, but there is no rule on empty bottles.  I just bring whatever one is in my car and fill it up at the FREE water fountains.  Suck it, $10 bottle of water on the plane.
• Bring lots of snacks.  That’s allowed, because apparently the terrorists have not yet developed the technology to put explosives in granola bars or foot-long Subway sandwiches, but LORD HELP YOU if you forget about the 4oz contact lenses solution in your purse.  Besides, everyone else bring their own snacks, so there are always trade options.  It’s like an airborne prison where snacks are the currency of choice:  “You got fruit snacks?  I’ll give you a pack of Oreo Cakesters, plus protection from Timmy the Bull up in row 14.  He rules the forward cabin with an iron fist.  Don’t forget to put your tray table in the upright and locked position for landing.”
• Wear socks.  I don’t care if you are wearing flip flops—BRING socks to put on for the inevitable March of the Foot Fungus through the metal detectors.  Think about how many people have barefooted it across that threshold.  Think about how many of them actually SHOWERED today.  Bring socks.
• For the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, do not find the absolute largest carry on legally allowed and haul it on board.  First, that makes everyone else hate you.  Second, you end up taking up more than your fair share of overhead bin space.  Third, you are a douche.  Fourth, suck it up and pay the $25 bag fee if you are going away long enough to necessitate a lot of stuff.  Fifth, seriously, I hate you.
• Lastly, give yourself plenty of time to get through security.  There is nothing worse than sprinting from one end of LAX to the other in brand new sandals.  I lost a lot of good skin cells that day.  So get there early, and bring a book just in case you get through quickly and have a lot of time to waste.  On my Vegas trip, I violated both parts of this rule.  I got there a little late and had to hustle to my gate.  Of course, the plane was then delayed for 6 hours.  So I got to spend about $40 for a new books and some magazines to keep myself from becoming a security threat.