Disclaimer: This post is dark. And was written about 4 weeks ago.

So the story I am about to share was actually written about 4 weeks ago.  I had just ventured out into the world for my first "Post-Loss" shopping.  It did not go well.  Things got ugly.  My emotional, depressed brain went to some dark places.  I've thought about not posting this, because I don't want people to think I am about to go snatching babies from people.  I'm not.  It is very hard to explain the feelings that come with losing a pregnancy.  I guess you have to experience it to really, truly get it.  
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So far, the worst side-effect of this experience has been the “Why Me?” Syndrome.  Most of the time, when I start to wallow in the grief and sadness, I use my Thankfulness list and pull myself together by asking “Well, Why NOT Me?” and trying to focus on the fact that it could happen to me just as much as it could happen to anyone else.  This brings us to the ugly, dark side of my journey.

Sometimes these mental tricks just don’t work.  Sometimes I just want to SCREAM “WHY ME?” and collapse into a fit of tears and anger.  The worst case of the Why Me Syndrome came during a trip to the mall.  There were just so many pregnant women and babies out that day.  Every time I saw one, the barometer inside my head crept up a little more until we had to leave the mall because I was sobbing “Why me and not her, or her, or her.”  I was willing to trade someone else's baby to get mine back.  Now, after the fact when rational thoughts took back control, I know that I don’t know what these random women had been through to have their children.  I know that.  But when you are faced with it, in the heat of the moment, all you know is that SHE has a baby on the way and you don’t.  And it’s hard.  I am a good person--I help others, I taking care of people, and I don't lie, cheat, or steal.  So why did I deserve to go through this and not some one else?  Jealousy, resentment, dislike for these women that I do not even know.  It’s hard to control.  Work is difficult as well.  I manage a program that sends books to kids under five.  I enter registrations every day where one woman has three kids within as many years (and usually with different last names, but that's a whole other issue).  Why does she get three and I lost my one?  These thoughts are one of the lasting effects of pregnancy loss.  I do not think any woman who has gone through a loss could truthfully say that they never looked at other pregnant woman and thought “Why me and not them?”  It’s an ugly thought, but it’s the truth.

99% of the time, I can control this ugliness by remembering that I don’t know their story, I don’t know their past, and that they too may have suffered losses (although then I think they’d understand my attitude, right?  Maybe not).  I think the reality of the situation is that this is one of the biggest hurdles that someone who suffered a loss must overcome.  For me, overcoming the physical pain was easy; overcoming the grief over the loss is getting easier.  But to overcome the “Why Me” Syndrome will, I think, be a battle that I continue to fight.  Maybe a successful pregnancy will cure it; maybe just time itself will heal it.  Who knows. 

It’s taken me a while to be able to even write about this, because I hate myself for feeling this way. ***********

So there you go.  For one day at Woodfield Mall, I hated every pregnant woman in sight.  It was terrible.  I was so judging and spiteful.  As I said, this post took a while for me to be ready to post it.  It's here mostly because I've finally turned that corner where, although I still get sad sometime, I am no longer mad at the world.  And I am again thankful for all my friends and relatives who continue to share their own stories of loss with me.  No words can really take away my pain, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this.

Next time I promise a post about new books I am reading, why I love Nutella, and why I secretly love the new TV my husband bought.