Update: The mandatory downer post

I am still struggling with The Loss and The Trying. It is hard to want something so bad but know that there is nothing you can do about it. I can’t study harder, practice more, or work faster. For now, there is nothing I can do but wait. It’s hard. It’s hard to wait each month, pray hard, but ultimately be disappointed that my body has failed me yet again. It’s hard to watch each month as friends experience the joys of pregnancy, especially those due around when I should have been, knowing that I should be experiencing those milestones along with them. It’s just plain hard. Women are supposed to have babies. And so far, I can’t. Last month was the worst—I got my official “no baby” notification on my freakin BIRTHDAY. And now for April, if it didn’t work this month, then I will not be a mother in 2011. I am dangerously close to not being a mother before I am 30. And I know these are arbitrary time frames, and the big picture is that who cares WHEN I do, just as long as I do. It still hard to see dreams you had for yourself slipping away a little more each month.

I’ve never been a wholly optimistic person to begin with, so adding trials like this does not do good things for my emotional health. I just can’t get myself to a place where I feel like “it will happen.” How early is too early to resign yourself to the fact that it will probably require expensive treatments to have a baby? And how do you become O.K. with being, essentially, a broken woman?

I promise the next post will be an upper--I got a new camera, so I'll share my day in pictures!

Can You Imagine What It Is Like Living In My Head?

Can I get an AMEN for husbands working late and giving me the run of the house?  The TV is off, I had a small dinner (including some Ritz/Nutella sandwiches), and now I am tucked in bed to read some magazines (like Rachel Ray's crack-fest)(spell check just corrected "crackfest" to crack-fest.  I guess I did not know it was hyphenated!) and then turn in nice and early. When Kurt's not home, I can go to bed at 8:30 with no judgments.

Let's talk about Nutella.  You know, that spread in the commercial where the mom tells you that you can put it on all kinds of heathly things, like toast.  And that's it.  Apparently this mom can only come up with "toast" as something to spread Nutella on.  HELLO, RITZ CRACKERS!  Probably not a "healthy" "breakfast," but whatever.  I love Nutella.  I eat it out of the jar.  Although less so now that I actually read the label and discovered that it has just as many calories at PB, and it therefore NOT a healthier alternative.  It's probably still better than pouring chocolate syrup directly in my mouth, so YEA LIFESTYLE IMPROVEMENTS.

Okay, pause, American Idol is kinda lame now....Steven Tyler is too nice.  He's the Paula.  I bet everyone thought that J-Lo would be the Paula, but she seems to have grown a pair.  Steven is just too nicey-nice.

Also, do not read "The Thousand" by Kevin Guilfoile.  I just can't get into it.  It's along the Da Vinci code-lines of a ancient secret society wreaking havoc today.  And there is something in there about math.  I don't know.  I am probably going to finish it skimming-style because I hate wasting time on meh books, but I have a hard time abandoning them.  I've only given up on like 5 books my whole life.  I'll just read then end and move on with life.

OH, have you seen "How To Train Your Dragon?" LOVED. IT.  I think someone from Toy Story 3 was sleeping with the Academy.  Dragon was way better than the toys.  I guess that's just my opinion.

That was a lot of information for 5 minutes.  Things just fall out of my brain like this.  I'll pause to let you absorb and reflect.

Highlight of your Monday

OMG, people. This is better than the rapping Southwest flight attendent.
Richard Simmons + Air New Zealand = Best In-Flight Safety Video Ever.
Get the Biebs to do the US one, and kids everywhere will always know how to find their nearest exit in the event of an emergency!

The Day That Brucie Died

YOU GUYS. I killed my fishie yesterday. And I am like, beyond sad. I mean it. I bawled harder than when my cat ran away in high school. BAWLED. OVER. A. FISH.

Bruce was awesome. In the 6 weeks I kept him alive he was like my little buddy. Every morning, “HIIIIIIII BRUCE!” as he would come to the surface for his meal. Which he would eat out of my hand. Seriously. He knew my voice. When I came in the door, he’d swim over to that side of the tank and just twirl and whirl for me. I guess, yes, he was my baby substitute. I can’t have a cat or a dog, so this was my “something to love until I have a baby” fish. I bet there are some psychoanalysts that would LOVE to delve into that one.

I mean, come on. It’s a fish. These things have an average life span of like 5 minutes, especially in my household. But I miss that fish. Sad face.

I was changing his water, and I don’t know what happened. Maybe the temporary bowl’s water was too warm, or too cold. GEEZ. Everyone says betta fish are supposed to indestructible. Unkillable. But there he was, slowly slowing down in his little mixing bowl. Then I put him back in his clean tank and he just went down. I panicked, was crying, Kurt was trying to convince me that he was okay, but he just laid there on the gravel, looking at me, ACCUSING me of killing him. Kurt handled the burial at sea.

I locked myself in the closet for 20 minutes.

OVER A FISH.

Heaven help me.

Things that made last week AWESOME

• Sweet potato fries (homemade!)
• Hot Hot Hot baths--like legs turned lobster red on impact hot.
• It was 67 on Thursday.  Ahhhhhh.
• Writing down what I eat, and emailing it to my mom. It's hard to eat junk food when I know I have to tell my mom!
• Speaking of which, Cuties--where have you been all my life!  I eat two a day!
• Kurt got a book called "A Sketch A Day" where he draws something everyday.  It's my favorite book.
• Also good: Swamplandia! by Karen Russell.  Read it.  Trust me.
• Cupcake dates with Sara Bee.
• Cleaning the house while watching greats like The Hangover and Animal House.
• Babysitting our cousin's baby.  Nothing better than seeing my husband with a sleeping baby on his chest.
• Speed was on TV last night.  Keanu = awesomeness.  
• Dark and stormy Sundays.  Perfect for doing nothing.

See?  Life's not so bad these day!

Impatience is not always a BAD thing

Some people chide me for my impatience--I can't just wait things out.  I have to know NOW how the movie or book will end or what's going to happen next in life.  I know that patience is a virtue, but sometimes it is important to listen to your gut and not your head.

I found out I was pregnant way too early last time. I took the test after like 3 days and got a positive. Really, when the ectopic ruptured, I should not have even known I was pregnant yet because it happened the same time I would have gotten my Aunt Flo, and I had no symptoms of the pregnancy between the time I found out and when we lost it. Had that been the case, when I had the cramps and bleeding, I would have thought it was just AF, not something more serious. Then I would have continued to bleed internally, and my situation would have been much worse by the time I actually got to a hospital. But because I listened to my instinct that told me to take the test that morning, when it happened I knew something was wrong and immediately went to the ER. My impatience probably saved my life.

Also, I ate a McD's fliet-o-fish on Friday.  Sorry Lent.  Well, 50% sorry, because at least it was fish.  But I am keeping the other one, promise.

For Public Record

First off, I had to write the second word in that title three times before I could spell it correctly.

What I gave up for Lent are things that were hurting me physically and emotionally:

I gave up Fast Food (classified as anything with a drive through) because we've been using those places too much lately when we are too lazy to make dinner.  It's got to stop for both heath and financial reasons.  So hopefully we can cleanse the craving for those foods in the next forty days and my pants can gain a little dignity back.

I also gave up my crutches in the baby-making department.  No thermometers, no meters, no test sticks, nothing but good old fashioned nature for the next 40 days.  They always say "It happens when you quit trying," so we'll see.  If anything it will give me time to relax and untie myself from all the tracking I've been doing.  I think my soul needs a little break as well, so we'll just let things ride until after Easter.

Hopefully the combination of these to things will help me get through the season with a renewed spirit and mind.  I plan to use this time for what it was meant for--to reconnect with my faith focus on the blessings that we do have, not that which we do not have.

I have not blogged in awhile.  My mom always taught me that if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all.  And I just have not had anything nice to say lately.  No one really wants to hear me go on and on about our fertility troubles.  No one wants to hear me wax poetic over and over about losing a pregnancy.  Unfortunately, those topics still dominate my world.  I am still struggling a lot with what happen, and what continues to not happen.  And I just have not felt like writing the same post over and over and OVER again. So I've been silent.  And guess what....the world did not end when I did not post!

I think I also have lost sight of what I wanted to do with this blog.  It was meant to be my everyday observations about life, as I see it.  I think I put too much pressure on myself to write deep, witty, and interesting posts--pressure to the point where I just gave up.  I am going to try to return to the heart of that idea--short posts with one thought at a time.  Posts that I can write over my lunch break or in the time before Kurt gets home at night.  Nothing polished, nothing deep, just thoughts, observations, probably the occasional book recommendation or recipe idea.

Today's Post:
Read "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand.  One of the best World War II stories I have ever read.  And I've read a lot.

Short and Sweet.

Snowmaggedon, Snowpocalypse Now, SnOMG, Take Your Pick.

So we got a lot of snow last night.  Like 15-18 inches (that's what she said).  Both our offices wisely decided yesterday that we would be having a Snow Day today.  There is absolutely NO reason to leave the house today.  The roads may be passable, but us being out there just hampers the job of the plows and emergency crews.  I mean really, do you want to go for a drive just to end up in the ditch and become part of the problem?  My PJs seem like a better plan that sitting in a frozen car in a ditch for 5 hours before they can come get me out.

Outside our place

There is a row of houses that are normally visible across this field

This is the normal view of the above photo.  Yikes.

We just burrowed in, made pizza, and got drunk.  Look at that picture and tell me it doesn't make you wanna reach for a nice, hot toddy.  I thought so.  We also experienced some lightning and thundersnow.  That was kinda cool, not gonna lie.  But MAN, I have never seen a storm like this before!

Our screen door.  On the third floor.  Snow was whipped all the way in to the upper corners of the door!  That's some powerful wind!  It was literally snowing sideways, sometimes even snowing UP! 

So today is going to consist of cookie dough, more homemade pizza, and Netflix instant play!  We are super thankful that we never lost power last night--our heat is electric!  We are also thankful that both our workplaces let us go early so that we were home before it got bad.  A lot of people got stuck in their cars or on Metra trains coming home, and we are fortunate that we were all snuggled in by then!  Okay, I gotta post this before the internet goes down again!

Put the Egg in the Coconut, Knock Elissa Up

We’re officially TTC again. I plan to be as open and honest as I can during this process. Partly because there is healing in writing and sharing—my friends have become great supporters throughout all of this, and some have even taken comfort in my experience as they struggle through trials as well—but mostly because it totally grosses my sister out to have me sharing this sort of thing “on the facebook,” as she said.

There are a lot of emotions surging through me right now. Is it possible to be completed excited and completely terrified at the same time? I think my head is going to explode. Or implode. Some kind of   –ploding is about turn my head into a ball of mush. On the positive side, we are trying again. We are so excited to become parents that we cannot wait to try again. I think what happened last time was that Kurt’s Polish boys got confused and went the wrong direction once they met up with my egglet.  This time, I will make sure that my German genes do what they are best at and oppress the Polish genes and march them into the warm, safe babycradle that is my uterus. What, too soon?

On the negative side is the terror, the raw terror, that something will happen again. I’ve only got one tube left. If I lose that one, our only option will be turning to expensive, invasive IVF. And if the egglet makes it to the basket, that still does not guarantee that something won’t go wrong again. I AM SO SCARED OF LOSING ANOTHER PREGNANCY. There, I said it. Just last night I had my version of a ‘Nam flashback, but my personal hell involved an emergency room and the worst ultrasound tech ever, who left me alone in a room for over 15 minutes without telling me what I already knew, thus forcing me to spend the first 15 minutes mourning my pregnancy completely and totally alone. Not cool, lady. 

In the end, the benefits outweigh the risks. I have two options: try again or never give birth. That’s it. I can either take a deep breath and give it another shot, or I can give up now and never know the joy of carrying and delivering my children. In the end, I cannot NOT have a baby. I cannot let one tragedy scare me off of every trying again. I have to believe that it will turn out okay this time. Despite the deep, dark feelings that try to convince me that I will never be successful at this, that I will only cause myself more heartbreak, I know that I can only forge ahead, and give this another shot.

What can I say, I’m a sucker for misfortune and pain.