Anatomy of a Fight

This being an educational blog and all, I thought I’d give you a lesson on the Anatomy of a Fight.  This is a glimpse into the world of a newly married couple, one of whom is an OCD Control Freak who cannot compromise or admit fault and the other who is a generally calm person who rationally sees the situation.  I don’t think I need to put labels on who is who.

Anatomy of a Fight:

Me—Notice something slightly out of place, like a belt on the couch or a dish in the bedroom.  Sarcastically mention this to K.

K—Apologizes and goes to rectify gets the offending item.

Me—Refuse to let K do it, insist that I will do it since I do EVERYTHING.  (Usually, a dramatic eye roll is inserted here for effect).

K—Tries to diffuse the situation with a variety of tactics.

Me—Realize that I am probably wrong, but commence to freak out to K about why I always have to do everything.  This can also include bringing up pointless evidence from past offenses.  Clearly, grasping at straws to win the argument, 

K—Rationally lists all the things he DOES do around the house, rendering my argument null and void.

Me—Inwardly realize that I am totally wrong, outwardly burst into the flames of a complete meltdown.

K—Cuddles me and apologizes for being a jerk that never cleans up and never does anything.

Me—Accepts his apology, but still pouts for the next 3 hours.

So even though I am basically wrong in about 90% of the fights, I have yet to lose.  This is because K loves me and knows that me losing = firebolts of death.  So he throws himself under the bus.  That, my friends, is love.  In my defense, I have gotten better about not instigating the fights, and have been known to apologize once or twice.  It’s called PROGRESS.

Excuse me, my wine glass is empty......

Has it really been a month since I have blogged?  YIKES.  Sorry Mom.  And Daddy, apparently.  Knowing that my parents read this blog severely limits my topical abilities.  So I'll just talk about doing the dishes and going to church.  Cause I do those.  I won't mention that I drank a bottle of Sangria for dinner yesterday.  In my defense, there was also Nutella involved.  That's healthy, according to the lady in the commercial.

Jealous much?

But I will write about my new favorite thing.  The Swiffer Vac.  Did I just say that?  Gross.  Is this what my life has come to that the most exciting thing in my life is a Swiffer Vac?  This is just another notch in my belt on my quest to be the most geriatric 28-year old on the planet.  Is there a Guinness World Record for that?  I think I meet the requirements.  Go to bed at 9 pm? Check.  Spend my Friday nights doing dusting my china cabinet?  Absolutely.  Mentally admonish teenagers for their loud rock music and too baggy pants?  If by mentally you mean out loud to yourself in the car, then YES.  The world is just going to hell in a handbasket.

Excuse me, it's almost 10 pm and I need to go yell at the 85-year old man next door because his bridge party is getting A LITTLE TOO ROWDY, SIR.

Sooner or Later.....

I've come to a horrifying conclusion: I'm a Grown Up.

I mean, I've always been a Grandma, going to bed at 9pm and preferring reading on the couch to the bars, but lately I've been doing all these....Grown Up.....things.  Buying bras from Target, getting a Kohls card and canceling my Gap card, cleaning my kitchen on my lunch break, buying a sensible new car while the interest rates are low.  Now, this:  

These things are spendy.  Don't judge.

I washed Ziploc bags for the purpose of reusing them.  I am officially turning into my mother.  This seals the deal.

On a side note, I joke about this often, but really, turning into my mother is probably the best outcome for my life.  I have an awesome mom who reads my blog (one of three readers!) and tells me she likes my writing, even though it's only marginally entertaining.  Plus she knows everything. Like, EVERYTHING.  Baking questions, laundry questions, car financing questions.....she's on my speed dial for a reason.

A Very Vegas Story

Last weekend [edit, okay, so I started writing this like three weeks ago, but guess what, life happens.  Well, mostly, my job happened and ruined my life, so I am just now posting.  DEAL] I went to VEGAS for the first time for my little sister’s bachelorette party.  I feel the need to capitalize VEGAS every time, because that’s how you say it.  VEGASSSSSSS.  Big and bold, just like the city.

Sidenote:  The weekend itself was fabulous, but was bookended by two of the WORST, TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE flying experiences I have ever had.  And I’ve been on 16 hours flights with ASIAN airline food.  So that’s saying something.  I’ll save those stories for the next post, because they are just THAT phenomnerrible.  New word, use it.

So we check into our lovely hotel, The Monte Carlo.

I immediately notice that the casino a) has a mall food court and b) this court contains Starbucks, Sbarro, and McDonald's.  All I need for a successful, well-balanced weekend.

Our first stop on this whirlwind extravaganza is the Wynn Hotel for a show.

That's a whole lotta Fokkens.  Vegas beware!

 We had tickets to see La Reve, which is like Cirque de Soilel with water.  

People jumped into this from like 1,000 feet up.  I think there was a story, but I was distracted by the dudes in latex swim wear.  

Then we gambled a bit.  I won $6 and called it a night.  I know how to quit when I am a head.  After we won at the Wynn, we headed towards Caesar’s Palace.  Yes, THE Caesar’s Palace.  He actually lived there.

He's telling us about the bitchin pool out back.

Needless to say The Hangover quotes were frequent throughout the whole weekend.  You just have to.

(There should be a video here, but I am not that advanced yet!)

Saturday morning was a life of luxury, laying by the pool and enjoying $13 frozen drinks.  $13!!  Holy balls.  We definitely adapted a share-and-share alike policy, chipping in to buy the refills for all to share.  I only got in the lazy river for a few minutes, because I am pretty sure that all VEGAS pools are nothing but toilets for drunken co-eds.  Even at 11 o’clock in the morning. 

Trust me, the shady side is where it's at.  Mostly because the sunny side is the toilet.

After my glamorous lunch at Sbarro, Stowell-cousin D-Pain and I left to actually SEE this VEGAS Strip that everyone kept talking about.  We wandered around in the 105 degree heat, bought some tacky souvenirs, and lost $1 at The Luxor.  I’m a high roller.

Danielle loves VEGAS' lack of open container law.

After showering and waiting to use the bathroom since there were 5 girls trying to get ready (oh, the horror!)  We had a lovely dinner at Diablo, a Mexican restaurant trying to be Coyote Ugly.  But the food was phe-nom, so whatevs.

Tally says my zigzag part was sooooo 2001.  

Then we played some bachelorette games, which will go unmentioned, because that’s between a girl and her friends.  Although it did involve my sister putting on 8 pairs of underwear.  VISUAL.  As for what happens next, it involves drinking, pole dancing, gambling, and walking A LOT.  Here are the best pics of the night:

There would be more, but apparently Delta’s crack baggage handlers decided to dig through my suitcase and steal my camera.  Seriously.  That was strike 245 against Delta.  More on that later.

So, overall, it was a great weekend.  Tal had a lot of fun, and so did I.  The End. 

Except for later when I tell you all about Delta.  It gets ugly.

Here's one last picture of D-Pain:

You don't have time for her ILLUSIONS.

Bridal Poll Dancer!

Bridal Poll Dancer!, originally uploaded by EKojzarek.

Since it's been almost a month since Vegas and I have not yet blogged about it, here is a teaser picture. I am still learning the ins-and-outs of blogging and picture posting and all that, so bear with me!

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

NEW FAVORITE EYELINER

OMG, folks. This is big. Makeup costs like, gajillions for the good stuff. I used to be a Clinique snob, back when I was single and had a great job and like zero bills. Back when my share of the rent/utilities was only $400/month. Eff. Now I am married with a mortgage that costs me $1100/month, WITHOUT ComEd and Comcast having their way with me. So I've had to learn to curb my expensive tastes. Target shoes, LOVE THEM. Bye bye Gap, helloooooo Old Navy. No more Clinique counter, welcome to Walgreens. But I have struggled to find a good eyeliner. I know, I know, what troubles I have. Anyway, the other day at Tar-jay, I found this product that cost $1.00. I was all, okay, this is cheaper than that N.Y.C. crap they used to carry, so there is no way it is good. But I had $1.50 to spend, so E.L.F. is was.

OMG.

This stuff is FANTASTIC. It goes on smooth, does not smudge (unless you want it too), and comes off easily with soap and water. Which were the top three complaints of the last three brands I tried. I. AM. IN. LOVE. So I went to their website (eyelipsface) and it's like the Dollar Store for classy people!

Moral of the Story: Just cause you got bills don't mean you gotta look like crap. Word.

Anal-Retentive Me

I have a confession to make. I am slightly OCD. Those of you who know me just burst out laughing. Because that is the worst keep secret ever. Case in point, today:

I use the booknerd site http://www.goodreads.com/ to keep track of the books I have read and reviews and what other people are reading. Today I discovered that when I first joined and added all the books I had read prior to joining, it did not record a "Date Read" for those. The ones I have added afterwards all have the date that I changed the status from "Currently Reading" to "Read." The rest are blanks. I CANNOT HAVE THIS.

So I will spend many many hours this week going back and adding a relatively accurate "Date Read" for about 175 books. BECAUSE I HAVE TO.

And yes, sometimes I do weep for myself.

Stay Tuned.....

This weekend was epic--like Vegas epic. Pics and the story about the worst airline experience I have ever had (and considering that I used to regularly fly 18 hours ACROSS the Pacific Ocean, that is saying a lot). Let's just say it involves massive delays and a greaser sexting 3 different girls DURING THE FLIGHT, and me thinking he was going to crash our plane.

Good times.

Most of you know that I love to read. It’s a sickness, but if I do not have at least three books piled up on my nightstand, I don’t feel right. Like now. I just finished some marathon reads and currently have nothing but a book about getting your body ready for baby (more on that absurdity later…).

So what have I been reading this summer? Mostly good stuff, but a few duds. None so bad that I stopped reading, however. I have one rule, and that is that I do not waste my life reading books I do not like. If you don’t have me a couple chapters in, I’ll probably kick you to the curb. No offense, but life is short and there are millions of books out there just waiting to be read by me.

This one was good, in the holy hell that stuff really happened sort of way. I love books from the Age of Discovery, because it seems like we know so much about our world these days. I mean, I know scientists are still discovering new species and new theorems and crap like that, but these dudes did not even have MAPS. NO MAPS. to tell them what was where. I can't even imagine being on a ship and just plugging along when "Oh look, land. That's neat. We didn't know THAT was there. Hope we don't fall off the end of the world here!" But then Magellan got that whole machete to the face in the Philippines, so that really didn't end to well for him. But for the 16 men who actually made it back to Spain, hey! Great job!

What can I say...it's summer and sometimes I need a book that's quick and easy. That's what she said. PS, can you totally tell where I stole my book photos from?

If you like Stephen King's THE STAND, you'll like this. Actually, this one is a little more readable than The Stand was....not quite as complicated. It does span about 200 years of time, but there are minimal characters to remember and it moves quickly. Don't let the 784 pages scare you. This is by far my favorite book of the summer so far.

For some reason I am all about the pirate novels this summer. Magellan counts, because he totally did some pirate-y things during his trip. This is the novel that was found on Michael Crichton's computer after his death. I owed it to he-who-gave-me-Jurassic-Park to read it. It was good. It's nice, summer fluff, perfect for the beach. Or in Chicago, my crappy condo pool with the constant creepers hanging out.

I want to watch Jurassic Park, like now.

Anyway, books that I am looking forward to reading:

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, because everyone is doing it.

Empire of Blue Water: Captain Morgan's Great Pirate Army, The Epic Battle for The Americas, And the Catastrophe that Ended the Outlaw's Reign, because I loves me some pirate novels, and this is quite possibly the longest book title I have ever seen.

The Life of Pi, because everyone has already done it except me.

I am always open to book suggestions, feel free to share what you are reading! Also, if you are on Goodreads, add me as a friend! It's like Facebook for book nerds.

I love Jurassic Park. Just thought I'd end with that.