Can You Imagine What It Is Like Living In My Head?

Can I get an AMEN for husbands working late and giving me the run of the house?  The TV is off, I had a small dinner (including some Ritz/Nutella sandwiches), and now I am tucked in bed to read some magazines (like Rachel Ray's crack-fest)(spell check just corrected "crackfest" to crack-fest.  I guess I did not know it was hyphenated!) and then turn in nice and early. When Kurt's not home, I can go to bed at 8:30 with no judgments.

Let's talk about Nutella.  You know, that spread in the commercial where the mom tells you that you can put it on all kinds of heathly things, like toast.  And that's it.  Apparently this mom can only come up with "toast" as something to spread Nutella on.  HELLO, RITZ CRACKERS!  Probably not a "healthy" "breakfast," but whatever.  I love Nutella.  I eat it out of the jar.  Although less so now that I actually read the label and discovered that it has just as many calories at PB, and it therefore NOT a healthier alternative.  It's probably still better than pouring chocolate syrup directly in my mouth, so YEA LIFESTYLE IMPROVEMENTS.

Okay, pause, American Idol is kinda lame now....Steven Tyler is too nice.  He's the Paula.  I bet everyone thought that J-Lo would be the Paula, but she seems to have grown a pair.  Steven is just too nicey-nice.

Also, do not read "The Thousand" by Kevin Guilfoile.  I just can't get into it.  It's along the Da Vinci code-lines of a ancient secret society wreaking havoc today.  And there is something in there about math.  I don't know.  I am probably going to finish it skimming-style because I hate wasting time on meh books, but I have a hard time abandoning them.  I've only given up on like 5 books my whole life.  I'll just read then end and move on with life.

OH, have you seen "How To Train Your Dragon?" LOVED. IT.  I think someone from Toy Story 3 was sleeping with the Academy.  Dragon was way better than the toys.  I guess that's just my opinion.

That was a lot of information for 5 minutes.  Things just fall out of my brain like this.  I'll pause to let you absorb and reflect.

Highlight of your Monday

OMG, people. This is better than the rapping Southwest flight attendent.
Richard Simmons + Air New Zealand = Best In-Flight Safety Video Ever.
Get the Biebs to do the US one, and kids everywhere will always know how to find their nearest exit in the event of an emergency!

The Day That Brucie Died

YOU GUYS. I killed my fishie yesterday. And I am like, beyond sad. I mean it. I bawled harder than when my cat ran away in high school. BAWLED. OVER. A. FISH.

Bruce was awesome. In the 6 weeks I kept him alive he was like my little buddy. Every morning, “HIIIIIIII BRUCE!” as he would come to the surface for his meal. Which he would eat out of my hand. Seriously. He knew my voice. When I came in the door, he’d swim over to that side of the tank and just twirl and whirl for me. I guess, yes, he was my baby substitute. I can’t have a cat or a dog, so this was my “something to love until I have a baby” fish. I bet there are some psychoanalysts that would LOVE to delve into that one.

I mean, come on. It’s a fish. These things have an average life span of like 5 minutes, especially in my household. But I miss that fish. Sad face.

I was changing his water, and I don’t know what happened. Maybe the temporary bowl’s water was too warm, or too cold. GEEZ. Everyone says betta fish are supposed to indestructible. Unkillable. But there he was, slowly slowing down in his little mixing bowl. Then I put him back in his clean tank and he just went down. I panicked, was crying, Kurt was trying to convince me that he was okay, but he just laid there on the gravel, looking at me, ACCUSING me of killing him. Kurt handled the burial at sea.

I locked myself in the closet for 20 minutes.

OVER A FISH.

Heaven help me.

Things that made last week AWESOME

• Sweet potato fries (homemade!)
• Hot Hot Hot baths--like legs turned lobster red on impact hot.
• It was 67 on Thursday.  Ahhhhhh.
• Writing down what I eat, and emailing it to my mom. It's hard to eat junk food when I know I have to tell my mom!
• Speaking of which, Cuties--where have you been all my life!  I eat two a day!
• Kurt got a book called "A Sketch A Day" where he draws something everyday.  It's my favorite book.
• Also good: Swamplandia! by Karen Russell.  Read it.  Trust me.
• Cupcake dates with Sara Bee.
• Cleaning the house while watching greats like The Hangover and Animal House.
• Babysitting our cousin's baby.  Nothing better than seeing my husband with a sleeping baby on his chest.
• Speed was on TV last night.  Keanu = awesomeness.  
• Dark and stormy Sundays.  Perfect for doing nothing.

See?  Life's not so bad these day!

Impatience is not always a BAD thing

Some people chide me for my impatience--I can't just wait things out.  I have to know NOW how the movie or book will end or what's going to happen next in life.  I know that patience is a virtue, but sometimes it is important to listen to your gut and not your head.

I found out I was pregnant way too early last time. I took the test after like 3 days and got a positive. Really, when the ectopic ruptured, I should not have even known I was pregnant yet because it happened the same time I would have gotten my Aunt Flo, and I had no symptoms of the pregnancy between the time I found out and when we lost it. Had that been the case, when I had the cramps and bleeding, I would have thought it was just AF, not something more serious. Then I would have continued to bleed internally, and my situation would have been much worse by the time I actually got to a hospital. But because I listened to my instinct that told me to take the test that morning, when it happened I knew something was wrong and immediately went to the ER. My impatience probably saved my life.

Also, I ate a McD's fliet-o-fish on Friday.  Sorry Lent.  Well, 50% sorry, because at least it was fish.  But I am keeping the other one, promise.

For Public Record

First off, I had to write the second word in that title three times before I could spell it correctly.

What I gave up for Lent are things that were hurting me physically and emotionally:

I gave up Fast Food (classified as anything with a drive through) because we've been using those places too much lately when we are too lazy to make dinner.  It's got to stop for both heath and financial reasons.  So hopefully we can cleanse the craving for those foods in the next forty days and my pants can gain a little dignity back.

I also gave up my crutches in the baby-making department.  No thermometers, no meters, no test sticks, nothing but good old fashioned nature for the next 40 days.  They always say "It happens when you quit trying," so we'll see.  If anything it will give me time to relax and untie myself from all the tracking I've been doing.  I think my soul needs a little break as well, so we'll just let things ride until after Easter.

Hopefully the combination of these to things will help me get through the season with a renewed spirit and mind.  I plan to use this time for what it was meant for--to reconnect with my faith focus on the blessings that we do have, not that which we do not have.

I have not blogged in awhile.  My mom always taught me that if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all.  And I just have not had anything nice to say lately.  No one really wants to hear me go on and on about our fertility troubles.  No one wants to hear me wax poetic over and over about losing a pregnancy.  Unfortunately, those topics still dominate my world.  I am still struggling a lot with what happen, and what continues to not happen.  And I just have not felt like writing the same post over and over and OVER again. So I've been silent.  And guess what....the world did not end when I did not post!

I think I also have lost sight of what I wanted to do with this blog.  It was meant to be my everyday observations about life, as I see it.  I think I put too much pressure on myself to write deep, witty, and interesting posts--pressure to the point where I just gave up.  I am going to try to return to the heart of that idea--short posts with one thought at a time.  Posts that I can write over my lunch break or in the time before Kurt gets home at night.  Nothing polished, nothing deep, just thoughts, observations, probably the occasional book recommendation or recipe idea.

Today's Post:
Read "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand.  One of the best World War II stories I have ever read.  And I've read a lot.

Short and Sweet.

Snowmaggedon, Snowpocalypse Now, SnOMG, Take Your Pick.

So we got a lot of snow last night.  Like 15-18 inches (that's what she said).  Both our offices wisely decided yesterday that we would be having a Snow Day today.  There is absolutely NO reason to leave the house today.  The roads may be passable, but us being out there just hampers the job of the plows and emergency crews.  I mean really, do you want to go for a drive just to end up in the ditch and become part of the problem?  My PJs seem like a better plan that sitting in a frozen car in a ditch for 5 hours before they can come get me out.

Outside our place

There is a row of houses that are normally visible across this field

This is the normal view of the above photo.  Yikes.

We just burrowed in, made pizza, and got drunk.  Look at that picture and tell me it doesn't make you wanna reach for a nice, hot toddy.  I thought so.  We also experienced some lightning and thundersnow.  That was kinda cool, not gonna lie.  But MAN, I have never seen a storm like this before!

Our screen door.  On the third floor.  Snow was whipped all the way in to the upper corners of the door!  That's some powerful wind!  It was literally snowing sideways, sometimes even snowing UP! 

So today is going to consist of cookie dough, more homemade pizza, and Netflix instant play!  We are super thankful that we never lost power last night--our heat is electric!  We are also thankful that both our workplaces let us go early so that we were home before it got bad.  A lot of people got stuck in their cars or on Metra trains coming home, and we are fortunate that we were all snuggled in by then!  Okay, I gotta post this before the internet goes down again!

Put the Egg in the Coconut, Knock Elissa Up

We’re officially TTC again. I plan to be as open and honest as I can during this process. Partly because there is healing in writing and sharing—my friends have become great supporters throughout all of this, and some have even taken comfort in my experience as they struggle through trials as well—but mostly because it totally grosses my sister out to have me sharing this sort of thing “on the facebook,” as she said.

There are a lot of emotions surging through me right now. Is it possible to be completed excited and completely terrified at the same time? I think my head is going to explode. Or implode. Some kind of   –ploding is about turn my head into a ball of mush. On the positive side, we are trying again. We are so excited to become parents that we cannot wait to try again. I think what happened last time was that Kurt’s Polish boys got confused and went the wrong direction once they met up with my egglet.  This time, I will make sure that my German genes do what they are best at and oppress the Polish genes and march them into the warm, safe babycradle that is my uterus. What, too soon?

On the negative side is the terror, the raw terror, that something will happen again. I’ve only got one tube left. If I lose that one, our only option will be turning to expensive, invasive IVF. And if the egglet makes it to the basket, that still does not guarantee that something won’t go wrong again. I AM SO SCARED OF LOSING ANOTHER PREGNANCY. There, I said it. Just last night I had my version of a ‘Nam flashback, but my personal hell involved an emergency room and the worst ultrasound tech ever, who left me alone in a room for over 15 minutes without telling me what I already knew, thus forcing me to spend the first 15 minutes mourning my pregnancy completely and totally alone. Not cool, lady. 

In the end, the benefits outweigh the risks. I have two options: try again or never give birth. That’s it. I can either take a deep breath and give it another shot, or I can give up now and never know the joy of carrying and delivering my children. In the end, I cannot NOT have a baby. I cannot let one tragedy scare me off of every trying again. I have to believe that it will turn out okay this time. Despite the deep, dark feelings that try to convince me that I will never be successful at this, that I will only cause myself more heartbreak, I know that I can only forge ahead, and give this another shot.

What can I say, I’m a sucker for misfortune and pain.

New Year, New E

New Year’s Resolutions.  I make them just like everyone else.  And I could not tell you what my resolution was last year, or the year before, or the year before.  That’s how much effort I put into achieving my goals.  So this year, I am not calling them resolutions.  I am calling them goals.  Life goals.  2011 goals.  Whatever.  They are ways that I want to change my life for the better in 2011.

One.  BE HEALTHY.  That could mean eating better.  That could mean losing weight.  That definitely means moving my butt more.  I just want to be healthy.  To feel good most of the time.  I want to have a better mental state, and that comes from having a healthy body.  I am starting with losing the weight I gained in November and December.  When I found out I was pregnant, I kind of let myself have what I wanted.  I put the scale away.  I gained 4 pounds.  Yea for pregnancy excuses.  Then I lost the baby.  Unlike a miscarriage, the ectopic required surgery.  I literally could not move for a week.  The second week was very limited as well.  I was eating, but sleeping and sitting most of the day.  Then Christmas and New Year’s happened.  So I gained another 5 pounds.  That’s not okay.  I want to get this weight off before we try for another baby.  And even once I get pregnant again, I will not let myself “have at it” with food.  I will be controlled, I will be smart, and I will do everything it takes to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

Two.  I will watch less TV and read more books.  We watch way, way, WAY too much TV.  On weekends, there is nothing on yet we sit there for hours on end watching it.  TV off.  I will limit our Netflix to two per week.  We don’t need to sit around watching movies all weekend either.  I have over 120 books on my goodreads list to get through.  Maybe I can only watch TV if I am on the elliptical.

Three.  Make a baby.  That seems pretty obvious.

Four.  Find a method for stress relief.  My job gets the better of me most weeks.  It’s stressful and it’s hard work.  I have a 7-month-and-counting muscle spasm in my neck to show for it.  I need to find an outlet.  I guess that links back to being healthy.  Yoga classes are expensive.  If I have a home DVD, I won’t do it. 

Five.  Disconnect.  Dude.  Seriously.  Like I need to know what is going on on Facebook every 10 minutes.  I need to learn to let it go.  Both Kurt and I are way too plugged in.  Our phones are out and on all the time.  He even plays games on his phone WHILE watching TV.  Good lord.  There will be “Technology-Free” nights at our house.  I promise that.  Although this seems to contradict my next resolution, which is....

...Six.  Better blogging.  Maybe not necessarily MORE blogging, although my goal is to write at least once a week.  I also want to write better blogs.  Be more honest and tell better stories.  Especially as Kurt and I start to try for a baby again.  I want to be as open as possible about the process, setbacks, and emotions that come along with trying again after a loss.  Mostly though, I just want to entertain my readers better and give them a reason to come back.  And follow me.  Cause 4 is an awesome number of followers, but I'd like to try to increase my readership by writing more blogs that others want to read and share.

Six.  Take a class for fun.  Maybe photography, maybe a cooking or pastry class, maybe creative writing.  Our community college has some pretty good offerings, and I need to find a good hobby to really develop.  Otherwise I’ll just keep skipping from thing to thing. That's a good theme for 2011: FOCUS.  

For now, I am going to go FOCUS on the elliptical for a while.  Three weeks into January, and I haven't broken that one yet.  AWESOME JOB ME.